What a week.
The day after I posted the last post, I was ‘hit’ with the fact that I had not been approved for my Visa (yet)…I had been going strong (mentally and spirtually) until the point when all the doubts started to fill my head. These doubts were mainly about whether I was called to go to Hillsong College this year. Maybe God didn’t think I was ready and/or I wasn’t meant to do ministry for the rest of my life. In addition to that, I was told by my dad that I was not responsible and I needed to get a real job to help support my mom. All these circumstances made me feel like I was not good enough.
These thoughts went deeper and deeper and darker and darker. So dark that I stayed in bed for a whole day. My thoughts were paralyzing. All I could think about was what I else I could’ve done for my visa to work out right. I kept thinking about what wrongs I must’ve done to deserve this. All my thoughts were focused on one person – me. At that moment, that last thing I could feel was God’s presence. I knew that He was with me, but there was a huge disconnect between my head and heart.
I finally had my big breakdown on Tuesday morning. I couldn’t take the pressure anymore and my biggest questions were ‘Why do I feel like this, and why is God not changing how I feel?’ I cried the ugliest cry – it was UGLY. I’m glad I didn’t have a mirror in front of me or else I would burst out laughing at how my face looked. My mom was there and she being the most patient woman in the world reminded me that I needed to look at things through God’s perspective. I looked at my circumstances and what it was doing to ME, and my mom said, “You want to be a counselor right? Maybe you need to feel this so that you can share how God got you through this. So get up!” That changed my whole perspective. I remembered why I am going to Hillsong College in the first place – to learn how to bring people closer to God. And here I was, pushing him further away by putting myself first.
I also realized those dark moments, I was not relying on God’s grace. I was so focused on what I had done or what I was doing, instead of focusing on what God did on the cross 2000 years ago. It’s because of Jesus I can stand in front of God, shameless and righteous. I was so focused on my state (emotions, and circumstances) instead of focusing on my standing (righteousness and so loved!). I remembered the sermon at Church the Sunday before, Pastor Prince preached about how my state is always changing, but my standing never does. My state will never affect my standing, but my standing can change my state and how I look at things.
I’m still waiting for my visa, and I’m trusting God that is comes before the 21st. Either way, God has the bigger plans. His thoughts and His ways are higher than mine. I’ve also appreciated all the prayers and love that I’ve been getting…I’m encouraged to the max. I was really nervous about sharing what I had gone through. My biggest fear was that I would sound like a hypocrite, especially after my last post. I know life isn’t always going to be easy, and there’s going to be ups and downs. I’m not perfect, but I’m SO glad that my God is. I’m going to continue to #rise and #overcome the challenges that is presented this season. God has my back, my front, and my sides.