Disconnect

What a week.

The day after I posted the last post, I was ‘hit’ with the fact that I had not been approved for my Visa (yet)…I had been going strong (mentally and spirtually) until the point when all the doubts started to fill my head. These doubts were mainly about whether I was called to go to Hillsong College this year. Maybe God didn’t think I was ready and/or I wasn’t meant to do ministry for the rest of my life. In addition to that, I was told by my dad that I was not responsible and I needed to get a real job to help support my mom. All these circumstances made me feel like I was not good enough.

These thoughts went deeper and deeper and darker and darker. So dark that I stayed in bed for a whole day. My thoughts were paralyzing. All I could think about was what I else I could’ve done for my visa to work out right. I kept thinking about what wrongs I must’ve done to deserve this. All my thoughts were focused on one person – me. At that moment, that last thing I could feel was God’s presence. I knew that He was with me, but there was a huge disconnect between my head and heart.

I finally had my big breakdown on Tuesday morning. I couldn’t take the pressure anymore and my biggest questions were ‘Why do I feel like this, and why is God not changing how I feel?’ I cried the ugliest cry – it was UGLY. I’m glad I didn’t have a mirror in front of me or else I would burst out laughing at how my face looked. My mom was there and she being the most patient woman in the world reminded me that I needed to look at things through God’s perspective. I looked at my circumstances and what it was doing to ME, and my mom said, “You want to be a counselor right? Maybe you need to feel this so that you can share how God got you through this. So get up!” That changed my whole perspective. I remembered why I am going to Hillsong College in the first place – to learn how to bring people closer to God. And here I was, pushing him further away by putting myself first.

I also realized those dark moments, I was not relying on God’s grace. I was so focused on what I had done or what I was doing, instead of focusing on what God did on the cross 2000 years ago. It’s because of Jesus I can stand in front of God, shameless and righteous. I was so focused on my state (emotions, and circumstances) instead of focusing on my standing (righteousness and so loved!). I remembered the sermon at Church the Sunday before, Pastor Prince preached about how my state is always changing, but my standing never does. My state will never affect my standing, but my standing can change my state and how I look at things.

I’m still waiting for my visa, and I’m trusting God that is comes before the 21st. Either way, God has the bigger plans. His thoughts and His ways are higher than mine. I’ve also appreciated all the prayers and love that I’ve been getting…I’m encouraged to the max. I was really nervous about sharing what I had gone through. My biggest fear was that I would sound like a hypocrite, especially after my last post. I know life isn’t always going to be easy, and there’s going to be ups and downs. I’m not perfect, but I’m SO glad that my God is. I’m going to continue to #rise and #overcome the challenges that is presented this season. God has my back, my front, and my sides. 

Much love,

Dals xoxo 

 

#RISE

Like most people, I usually start my year off with resolutions or goals that I want to achieve before the year ends. Also like most people, I rarely meet these expectations that I make and end up disappointed in myself. Not a great way to end or start a year that’s for sure…

My number one goal for the past few years was to lose weight. It always starts off positive – I download an app that will help me count calories, I buy a new notebook to start writing down my daily exercise routine,…but then comes the part where I actually need to get up and exercise. I know I am able to get off my butt and do activity, I mean, I’ve walked non-stop for 2 hours straight trying to get home without using a bus pass! I realized that what was stopping me wasn’t physical but an emotional restraint.

Now you’re probably thinking, ‘Hey! Now you know the cause, you can get on that elliptical!’ Well that’s what I thought too! To be fully honest, I’ve known this ‘truth’ for about year now, and still haven’t started this grand journey into a healthier lifestyle. This ‘truth’ has led me into more darker places in my mind, where I’ve come to see that many of my destructive habits were rooted in how my father or people that I’ve looked up to had said about me. For the past few years I’ve been blaming these people and using what they’ve said and done as an excuse and pit to wallow in. What I thought would set me free had not jolted me up but instead had dragged me down. I soon realized that these truths weren’t meant only to be known, but to be overcome.

I recently read the article Ring in the New Year with One Word (http://shelovesmagazine.com/2013/ring-new-year-one-word/) and these sentences sunk in deep:

“Then I looked again. I studied the [resolutions] list for a while. And I realized all of these goals are rooted in feeling like I’m not enough—not writing enough, not slim enough, not spiritual enough, not fit enough, not a good enough friend or mom and not a giving enough member of the community.”

The whole idea of the article is that we have rooted our resolutions and goals on beliefs that we are not good enough and we have to do better. So instead of making a list of what we need to do better, we should pick a word that we want our year to be rooted in and let that word flourish throughout the year. I was deeply moved by the author’s story about how the ONE word transformed her year and made her feel encouraged! I knew that this was truly a NEW YEAR for me and that this year would be a year of life and resurrection of my spirit. I prayed about my word for 2014 and God said – RISE.

 “Arise, Jerusalem! Let your light shine for all to see. For the glory of the LORD rises to shine on you.” (Isaiah 60:1)

So this year I choose to RISE, rise above the circumstances, rise up to challenges and rise towards the plans God has for me! And I know by saying YES to what God has put in front of me I will learn to love others and myself as He does. I know it won’t be easy, but it’s SO encouraging to know that I won’t be overcoming these circumstances with my strength, but Jesus’ strength in me (John 16:33)! I finally feel chains broken off me and I’m ready to tackle what in ahead of me knowing that Christ has already prepared the way (Deuteronomy 31:8).

I will be blogging everything that God is doing in my life this year in Australia at Hillsong College! It’s bound to be an amazing and stretching season, and I’m ready to RISE! My anthem this year:

 

Much love!

Dals ❤